2010 FFL power rankings

Abstract: our standings are too luck based.  A good standings system would ignore the points scored by opponents, which suggests points scored as the indicator, but should also track how well a team was managed each week, rather than looking only at points scored in total.  Essentially, points scored should be analyzed each week, then converted to win probability to account for the possibility that each team could have played any other team during any given week, and achieved a radically different final record.

I'm posting this cause I'm a goddamn math teacher with too much free time.

I think it's fair to say that we've all felt screwed by the FFL system at some point or another - whether it's that week you have the second best points total in the league but you played the top scorer, or you're just one of the poor saps who lost to Herman.  Needless to say, the wins/losses standings system leaves a lot to be desired, as it is very susceptible to luck playing a huge factor.  Take our end of year standings (bold made the playoffs):

Ronnie Vella Fanti Hagood George Joe Niki Tommy Santangelo Caponi Bourandas Cohen Ropke Herman

Personally, when I see those I just can't accept that they're right.  Sure, we know they're going to be pretty good, I mean the same people pretty much always do well every year, so we can't blame it all on luck.  But consider Bourandas, who scored more points this year than half the playoff teams, but got raped in the games he lost.  He was a decent manager, but got shitty matchups.  Completely out of his control.  To hammer this point home, my team could have finished 12-1 had I had proper matchups, and that'd just be fucking wrong.

Looking at total points scored should clear things up a bit.

Ronnie Vella Joe Fanti Bourandas Niki Tommy Hagood George Ropke Santangelo Caponi Cohen Herman

Look for who dropped in the standings now, they got really lucky some weeks and benefited from low scoring opponents while they were not doing that well either.  There isn't too much movement, but a few people move quite a bit, and there's definitely a different playoff picture.

Still, this doesn't say it all.  As alluded to above, it's possible that a team could have the second highest point totals every week, yet play the top scoring team every time, and end up 0-13 despite having a great team and just shitty luck.  Also, a high scoring team could feasibly score 250 points for a few weeks and then be completely mismanaged and fall apart:  high point totals does not necessarily indicate a good manager.  Luck is still heavily involved and, more importantly, the season shouldn't be looked at considering just these single, total numbers.  Every week presented each manager an opportunity to set their optimal lineup, so it would be wise to consider point totals by week, so we can see better how those points were distributed.

So what I set out to do was to basically consider win probability for a given week.  I ranked each team by the points scored each week, assigning the highest scoring team 1 point and the lowest scoring team 14 points.  In this way, the lower your points over the course of a season, the more likely you were to win over all.  This would account for sad scenarios like the made up one about a team scoring the second best points every week but still losing: that team would still be ranked very highly under this system.

Which brings me to the power rankings.  Check out the results:

Vella (66) Ronnie (69) Joe (71) Fanti (73) Niki (84) Bourandas (85) Hagood (95) Tommy (96) George (106) Ropke (109) Santangelo (109) Caponi (120) Cohen (135) Herman (147)

I think this paints a vivid picture of how the league really looks.  For all the shit we gave Ronnie behind his back for being overrated, every week he put himself in a good position to win.  But not as good as Vella.

Also we see real stratification here: a block of four pretty dominant teams, two decent ones, two more a little weaker...and then we see everyone who wouldn't make the playoffs with over 100 points.

This makes intuitive sense, too.  A completely average team (a team in the middle of the pack every single week) would have 97.5 points at the end...everyone better than average made the playoffs in this system, everyone worse, didn't.  You can't say that for the other rankings.

He's Right Behind You!

Last week was so much fun to play, I almost didn't make a single thing up while writing this.


The Bay Sharks finally put an end to their losing streak by splitting with Majestic Doug.  And majestic they were.  Never have you seen, nor may you ever again, a ball club so good made up of so many over the hill asians.  Starting shortstop Hideki Miyagi was four feet of pure unadulterated sexagenarian talent, making solid fielding plays and knocking in two home runs to opposite sides of the field off of different pitchers. After the game he was gracious in saying "see you in the playoffs, gay boys!"

Meanwhile, in the other dugout, our own asian sensation Jesse Vella suffered from a twisted ankle halfway through the game, and was able to bring no honor to his family.

But thankfully, Samurai Scott Slater remembered to take his hormones, as he was the Teddy Roosevelt Big Stick Player of the Game, hitting three consecutive home runs and almost stopping dead in his tracks on his way to third in a fit of total confusion and disorientation.  "It was new for me - I had never reached third base before.  Not in softball, certainly not with my wife.  And then when I realized I was gonna go all the way ... I was almost afraid it wouldn't live up to my expectations.  I definitely considered just going back to second and waiting for my erection to go away like usual."

Sadly, his efforts were to no avail as the Sharks imploded in extra innings in the first game to lose 12 - 7, but came fighting back in the second half to win 9 - 7 in their last at bat.  Both teams had to overcome ridiculously bad umpiring, both in strike zone, keeping track of the count on the batter, incorrectly located pitcher's mound, botched tags, etc.  Perhaps the most flagrant offense was that for two innings, Majestic Doug played Air Bud in left center field.

And now in my continuing thoughts of what is wrong with this team, here is an excerpt of conversation from pre-game warmups.

Maiman: Man, I'm old.
Ropke: Yeah, what's that like?
Maiman: What, being straight?

This brings attention to two major problems on this team.  We are too old and too straight.  Why can't we have more young pool boy studs wearing speedos in the dugout?  We've got guys - grown men, mind you - who are actually married.  To women.  And yet here we are, trying to win softball games.  It doesn't add up.  Everyone needs to get a little more in touch with their feminine side.  Like Danny, did anyone hear his ringtone the other day?  Just call him when you see him at work, it's like a 14 year old girl's phone ringing.  Or Ropke, did anyone see the shirt he wore on Thursday?  We all know Vella did.

I'm just saying.

Why Winning Isn't Everything, But What We Should Do In Order To Maybe Do It Anyway

The following is an extension of my previous rant.

Kids, let me tell you a story.

A few years back, I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life.  The basic decision came down to this: did I want to work for love or for money?  If I had wanted to make a lot of cash, I could have followed in my father's well established footsteps and done gay porn: trust me, I have a gift.  But I chose to be an educator (I'm laughing as I read this statement juxtaposed with the rest of this blog) because I enjoy it.  I do it cause it's fun.

Now, most of the team is made up of educators as well, so I'm going to appeal to your common understanding of where I'm coming from for this metaphor to work.  I'm sure most of us were faced with a similar decision at some point or another.  We all probably have an occupational skill set we could use to provide us with a more comfortable life (except the gym teachers, I mean, come on), but we choose this because we love it.  Saying that we work in this school of all places for the money would make absolutely no sense.  Yes, the fact that it pays the bills is nice.  But when you get to the heart of it, we actually do it because we like it.

In a similar fashion, saying that we are playing D Division Slowpitch Softball for any reason other than "to have fun" is ludicrous.  Yes, of course we all want to win games, because winning games is more fun.  But at the core of it, we need to be on that field because we enjoy playing the game and we enjoy the people around us (except Steve, I thought we agreed to stop calling him for games, guys what's up with that?)  The second it stops being fun, we ought to just stop showing up entirely.  What constitutes fun?  The obvious answer (besides winning) is playing time. Still, I think we need to acknowledge that, at present, we've had more than enough guys showing up for games, so as a result people are going to have to sit.  I think it's smart to keep a rotating stock of sitters, have no one sit more than one game a week, give everyone their time on the field, etc. Not rocket surgery here.  I would like to think everyone is on board with this.

Now that we're playing the game and having fun, what can we do to win?  Just some opinions here:

First of all, everyone except for Zang needs to hit better - honestly he's come through in just about every big spot I can think of.  Yeah everyone's been getting a few hits, and I think Vella and Avi have been doing good enough to be worth mentioning as well, but as a whole I don't think our bats are doing what they should.

The field looks ok to me.  There are a few errors, but that will happen.  The only major switch that I feel should be made in the field is moving Avi to infield and Vella to outfield (I have not yet asked either of these fine gentlemen their opinions on the matter).  The way I see it, they're both doing good jobs where they are, but their strengths could be more emphasized if switched.

For example, I have two main criticisms of Vella at short stop.  First, just because it's called "short stop" doesn't mean you have to be vertically challenged.  Having a bigger cut off target wouldn't hurt.  But speaking of cut offs, one thing he could improve upon - and I have spoken to Vella about this - is calling plays better to the outfielders.  Speaking only for myself here, I know that there are times when the ball is hit to me and I have that split second hesitation as I am about to throw, because I am just not certain as to what the best tactical throw would be to make.  I rely on the shortstop to call the base.  Now who do I know on the team who has a loud voice and would always want his opinion to be heard?  Hmm...maybe Avi wants to play short?  I think his personality would be a commanding positive presence in the infield.

And moving Vella out would be a safe move as well.  While Avi does possess excellent hand eye coordination and has the skills to make flashy catches, I honestly just think Vella would have run to the ball faster and caught it normally.  I believe that the force generated by his powerful calves would allow him to cover significant ground out there, enabling the outfield to spread out a little bit or even experiment in different formations.

In summary, let's remember that we decided to do this because we like each other, so let's kick Steve off the team and have some fun.  Cause if we aren't gonna do this to have fun, we might as well be doing gay porn.

Where To Begin?

Hmm, how about here?  YOU ALL BLOW.

I don't see any Mike Goldbergs on this team.  No one should have a big head about their ability.  We're all past our prime (actually if I am being honest, technically I am probably still at my peak - too bad my peak isn't that high to begin with).  Some of us may still have athletic ability worth showcasing on another stage, some among us may have even at one time had a great skillset involving a sport with a bat and a ball, but these times have come and gone and do not exist on Sunday mornings.

We're playing fucking D division slow pitch softball.   No one should be bragging about anything.  You think you're hot shit?  You're worth talking about?  Good for you, kid.

You gotta be kidding me.

So as my first statement, I want everyone to remember what this is and to seriously leave the ego at home.  This team doesn't need you to carry it, and if carrying it is the crowning achievement of your athletic life and means so much to you...I don't know, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you better.

My Phone Ain't Afraid of Water

Recap: Played a C division team, Sharks are 6 - 4.

Gentlemen: this week was too embarrassing on a number of levels to possibly make a lot of jokes about it. We had a brawl in our own dugout, nearly two, and a lot of words were spoken without consideration.  This is Sunday morning softball guys. Can we please check our egos at home and stop trying to measure whose dick is the biggest?  Let's make our only embarrassments in the future be on the field, not off it.

Still, today's screaming was only an amplification of the whispers that have been going around: some people aren't thrilled with the managerial decisions.  Well, it's one thing to be displeased, and I think we should all voice our concerns, but we should do so in a respectful manner and issues should be resolved before arriving at the field.  As seen today, it does us no good to allow bottled feelings to erupt at the absolute worst time.

Later this week, I'll be offering my opinions on what's going well and what I think should be changed in our lineup.  I'm gonna make my case here because (1) I want to explain myself without interruption and (2) I want my thoughts to be public and recorded.  And if, in the end, I do turn out to look like a fool, don't be mistaken: I will certainly hastily edit or delete the entire post altogether.

Sharks Forget to Tie Shoelaces, Give Up Bid for Perfection

Blaming a lack of personnel for what some are calling "a return to normalcy," the Sharks' undefeated season came to a screeching halt this weekend with two uninspiring losses to the Haters.  To name a few of the excuses the team dealt with: outfielder Mike Ropke was called in to work by his escort service in an emergency regarding a visiting diplomat, ground ball fuck up and pop up authority Ronnie Maiman was not able to post bail on his attempted rape charge from Thursday (and is still awaiting trial), and pitcher/infielder Mike Zang was struck Saturday night with a case of FIV - I'll save you from looking it up guys, motherfucker's got cat AIDS.

There will be no listed highlights this week, as I don't believe there were any worth mentioning.  Game one saw a 15-7 loss, diminishing the Sharks' swagger while boosting the surging Haters, still a sub-500 team.  Game two entered the record books as another slowpitch softball shut out, with the Sharks falling 7-0.

"I haven't seen hitting that bad since Bubby Ramirez tried to stand in there against Goldberg," team incontinence specialist Neil Griffenberg commented at a post game press conference.

In a bizarre turn of events, team physical therapist Chris "The Punisher" Caponi fucked Ropke's girlfriend.  According to reports from friends huddled in the closet, he supermanned that ho like it was 2007.

But Seriously...

Right now we have a D-Division second best 9.5 runs scored per game.  For comparison, the Reservoir Dogs, whom we beat our first week, edge us out with 10 runs per game, while Tropic Thunder is in third with 8.6 runs per game.

We have admitted a division low 5.6 runs allowed per game.  The Canarsie Sharks, whom we beat our second week, have second place with 6.3 runs per game.

We are doing a lot of things right, but somewhere along the line we might catch some bad breaks and stumble a bit.  Let's see if we can turn these close games into more comfortable blowouts.  It probably won't be long before they try to put us up against a C team, and that might not be pretty...

Winds of Fate Blow Good Fortune to Sailing Sharks

It was a cold Mother's Day morning, the wind whipping sand storms across the dirt field.  When the dust settled, the bottom line was that the Sharks still remained undefeated atop the D - Division standings at 6-0, however critics are barking that they showed vulnerability against a team without a single victory.

Game One: 9-8 win

Taking early advantage of the wind wreaking havoc on the outfielders, Jesse Vella managed to turn another completely misplayed fly out into a home run to lead off the game.  While the wind was blowing on the field, it seemed that Blue Label manager Abdul Jaleel Ahmed was busy blowing the umpire before the game, resulting in calling Mike Zang's would-be grandslam into a foul ball later in the game.  Bushleague.  Still, the Sharks continued to surge and held a lead heading late into the game.

Then, on a day when it seemed fly balls would be the biggest problem either team had to face, the team discovered its true kryptonite: ground balls.  Error compounded upon error until the lead had been turned into a two run deficit.  In a splendid display of heroics, Neil Griffinberg came through with two outs in the bottom of the 7th to knock a two run rbi to win the game, crushing the risen spirits of the Blue Labels and driving their left fielder to tears.

"It's rough when you think you're gonna pull it out and then in the end you don't," Jamel Thomas offered his empathy.  "I had a kid like that once. At least once."

Manager Mike Cohen added, "We were there last year, so I know how they must feel.  Losing every week, whether by forfeit, mercy rule, or otherwise, it takes its toll on you.  There were nights I was so depressed I was actually happy to have my wife next to me in bed, I was so lonely.  I even had sex with her a time or two, forget about it."

Game Two: 6-4 win

The painfully close match up continued into game two.  In what must be a Guinness record, Ronnie Maiman managed to record the final out in every inning of the game, popping up to the pitcher in every at bat that anyone remembers.  Way to go, clean up.

Game two exposed both Avi Ribenbach's genitals in a bizarre turn of events at second base, and it also exposed another of the team's weaknesses: plate discipline.  Nearly everyone, including the author of this 100% factual narrative, is guilty of this, so please take it to heart.  The Blue Label pitching staff in game two was walking batters left and right, and many Sharks tried to be heroes and swing the bat, when a walk was likely.  This reporter suggests taking a lot more pitches if an opposing pitcher is having control issues.  They say that a walk's as good as a hit, but they leave out the part that a walk is better than an out.  Of course, if your name is Steve Rightfield, way to go on that solo shot to give a well received insurance run in the 6th.

As outfielder Mike Ropke said, "we need to be taking pitches like Caponi's wife takes my cock," which some inferred to mean that Ropke has 4 balls.  Ropke could not be reached for comment.

The Bay Sharks would like to thank all our mothers out there for lettin our pops throw it in there, without you this run at D-division softball immortality would be impossible.  Special thanks comes from Scott Slater, who did not own a pink bat to use during the game, but was proud to sport a pink thong to raise breast cancer awareness, and also to raise awareness that he is, in fact, gay.  Like we needed to be more aware.

Chicks Dig the Long Ball - Sharks Undefeated

video from today's game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKAJIvQRSzE


Ohhhh Betsy!  The Sharks smell blood in the water, today pulling a Donner Party and consuming their own kind, sweeping the Canarsie Sharks and, in at least one verified case, actually consuming the flesh of their opponents.

Entering today, Canarsie had been undefeated, winning each game by an average of 9 - 3, having let up only 14 runs total over 4 games.  Today they were tagged for a total of 22 runs in two games, and could barely muster any offense at all.

Game One: Win 15 - 9
Game one was a slug fest from the beginning, and saw home runs from Ronnie Maiman and Mike Ropke.  Teammates were surprised that Ropke still possessed enough speed on the base paths given his aerodynamically unfit pants, but he let reporters in on his strategy after the game.  "I knew I'd be losing some speed due to drag out there this year, so I compensated by ditching excess weight, by which I mean shaving my genitals early this morning.  It was a forest down there.  I mean, I literally needed a permit and contacted some zoos to take in the displaced wild life."

An inning later, Maiman added to the attack, but while his teammates cheered with joy, his reaction betrayed mixed emotions on his part.  After the game, Maiman admitted through tears that he only wished that Avi Ribenbach had been there to see him at his best, and that he only wants "to make Avi like me."

But the fireworks of the long ball were not the only ones seen, as verbal ones were lit off as well.  Jesse Vella almost duffed home plate umpire Jack Goff for talking during a pitch.  "A 3-2 count, and he's talking to guys behind the fence as the ball's in the air about getting his nails done after the game.  BUSH LEAGUE!"  A fired up Vella complained in between games, adding, "I mean, I was standing right there!  He had to have seen my hands, my nails are all fucked up.  I'm just saying, an invitation would have been courteous."  Vella calmed down after applying more moisturizer to his face and hands.

Problems with the officiating did not stop there, however, as it became evident that both umpires, like George Bush, hate black people.  The bogus calls given to "The Bay Brothas" Hagood and Thomas were called into question by team captain Mike Cohen after the game.  "That kind of racist officiating has no place in a softball game.  You want to keep them out of your town, your house, fine.  No complaints there.  Me?  I wouldn't have even let them into the league.  I don't trust them.  But they're here and goddamnit, discriminating against them affects other people on the team too - hard working, white people.  And I won't stand for that.  I will be writing a strongly worded letter."



Game Two: Win 9 - 1
While the day was opened with an offensive barrage from both teams, game two started as a quiet, fast paced pitchers' duel.  Both threw no hitters into the third inning, but Bay Sharks veteran Danny Foreman arose the victor, relying on solid defense behind him as Canarsie imploded.

Fellow school custodian Mike Zang praised Foreman's performance Sunday.  "Danny had good control today.  He knew when to go fast, when to go slow.  When he got excited, he didn't blow it.  Kept a gentle touch on the balls, and a firm grip on the stick when it was his turn to be swingin it.  Also I like it when he bites my nipples."  When later asked about the softball game, he admitted that "Danny pitched alright."

Eventually the Canarsie pitcher began losing stamina and control, and as his team began making costly errors behind him, they began to fight amongst themselves.  Defeat was imminent.




In summary, the Bay Sharks have now won 4 times as many games as we did in all of 2009, and have probably scored more runs than we did all of last year as well.  As Maiman would say, now we're starting to gel, boys!

Some Things I've Been Thinking About

This is to settle a debate I was having with Cohen.

If you sleep with a girl who you believe to be underage, but she is dead, what crimes are you charged with?

I think it's attempted statutory rape, but the attempt failed because she's dead, so she's not a person. What is the difference between attempted statutory rape and committed statutory rape, as far as the legal system is concerned? Not sure. Ask Santangelo. He once mentioned a "friend" who was involved in such a matter.

As for the dead body, there is no federal law specifically barring sex with a corpse, however many states have their own laws. New York? We're good to go. And that could be the difference between having sex with just the dead teenager or having sex with her and Bubba.

So in conclusion, if she's not a person, then you didn't have sex with her. So no, Cohen, you didn't lose your virginity till you were 32. I told you, man.

Week 2 Rain Out: Fields Wetter Than Caponi's Wife Last Night

Softball fans were let down today, with all games in the Kings County League being rained out. As of 2:30am the grounds were still dry, but within the next four hours the skies opened and a torrential downpour unseen since the aftermath of Ropke's enema put a damper on everyone's weekend, if you'll excuse the pun.

It remains to be seen whether the games are automatically split 1-1 or whether they will just be written off as a wash, pardon the pun again.

BAY SHARKS 2 - 0

That is not a typo people. That's two wins, zero losses. Defying Vegas odds worse than my losing my virginity without paying for it, the Bay Sharks showed some heart and pulled out two victories today, surpassing last year's season high of one win.

Sharks faithful will remember feeling this way early last spring as well, when Mike Ropke pitched a gem shut out in the Sharks' first game of the season for a close 1-0 victory, and the Sharks rarely even saw a lead in any game after that. But today, instead of having our hopes lifted and then crushed - like the time in 1980 when Vella saw Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, but it ended up being his next door neighbor sneaking in to give his mom some Christmas cheer - we were victorious twice.

GAME ONE: The Sharks smelled blood when they saw their opponents brought only 9 players to the 10 player field. They made them pay with Jesse Vella's inside the park home run to deep uncovered right field. The final score was 9-6.

GAME TWO: Tensions ran high when the Sharks fell into a hole in game two. Bad memories from last year began creeping back. The let down. The heartbreak. The time we got bad directions and were gangraped. Tears were shed. Danny jizzed his pants. I don't know what's up with that. But just when times look darkest, with two outs in the final inning, Avi put his bat where his mouth is (not a metaphor!) and knocked in two RBIs for the win! The tying run scored as Mike Zang slid under the tag at second base, allowing the winning run to score. Sharks win 6-5.

So things are lookin up, fellas. In closing, to paraphrase the immortal words of Cleveland Indians fictional coach Lou Brown, we've won two games in a row. If we win one more, it's called a winning streak. It HAS happened before.

It can happen for us. We believe!

Thoughts on Practice Yesterday

9 of the team members got together on Sunday morning to have a little warmup. Here's what we learned:

The team has definitely improved this year. Everyone knew the difference between a bat and a glove, and in general the field seemed to be filled with higher caliber players than last year. No real standouts additions, but at least everyone seems like they're "athletic" and understand the basic rules, strategies, and techniques of the game. This is far more than I thought last year.

Then again, there were three injuries on a morning of playing non-competitive softball. Not a good sign.

My sweatpants were not tight enough. Didn't feel right.

We at least look good at our new practice facility - the Sheepshead Bay field. What a spike.

Speaking of the field, thanks a lot to Griff and Zang for hooking that up. Also of interest, Zang is "good on his knees," at least so said Griff with a coy smile. What does he know that I don't? I'm not sure, but I intend to find out.

They say that spring is the season of love, and this is no more evident than on our team. A budding schoolyard romance can be awkwardly observed between Ribenbach and Maiman, who were constantly bickering like an old married couple, pulling each others hair, 69ing in the dugout, and in other ways just looking like a pair of two little kids who wanted to bang. Get it over with already, and let's play softball.

But maybe it's not Avi's fault. Maybe it's Ronnie's animal attraction. Looking back, Maiman almost got arrested two nights prior, it turns out, for sexually harassing coworker and school safety agent Rodriguez (I think?). Dubbing himself "Big Daddy" for the evening, Maiman was all over the lovely lady, begging to be handcuffed. "No keys, no problem!" He repeatedly excused himself to relieve himself in the bathroom. He said he had to piss but everyone around knew better from the softball bat he was packing in his jeans.

In light of recent developments, coach Cohen has suggested that the team add a circle jerk to its list of pre-game calisthenics to help take the edge off (alternate suggestion made by a certain someone - just invite Caponi's wife). The team was so ecstatic, it makes you wonder what is going to be inside the gatorade cooler he gets showered with after the team wins its record shattering second game this year.

contact info

everyone, either leave a comment here or email mike.ropke@gmail.com

your name, phone number, and email would be appreciated.

i'll start. mike ropke, email is above, phone # 5166415875

Nostalgia

Remember how much we rejoiced last year at the signing of rookie phenom Mike Ropke? And then he opened up the season with the 1-0 shutout, and we really thought we were starting to gel...well let's fuckin get psyched again, fellas! It's a brand new year, a brand new league, LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!

League Info

We're playing in the Kings County League http://www.leaguelineup.com/welcome.asp?url=kingscountysoftball.

There's not much info there as yet, I don't even know which division of theirs we're in. Anyway, all our games will be played at either Marine Park, Mill Basin, of Dyker Heights (which I can't say or type without giggling). I'm told that 3/4 of our games will begin at 8:30am, and 1/4 at 11:30am on Sundays.

More info to come, I guess.

ROSTER

Alright Shark fans, it's an exciting time to be alive! Winter's finally ending, and since last season fell apart I know we've all had a piece of ourselves missing. But like me and Caponi's wife last night, that void will soon be filled!

Here's a sneak peak at this year's all star line up:

Mike Cohen - our champion from the first post, Cohen is responsible for reviving this team like a phoenix from the ashes of last year's crashed and burned attempt at a season. He's probably the most desperate to get away from his wife for half a day a week.

Mike "I Love Giving People Quotated Nicknames" Ropke has a new pair of pants, and we're told they reach all the way down to his ankles! Ropke has voiced some displeasure with their fit, claiming they will be less aerodynamic and will slow him down.

Mike Santangelo, last year's skipper, is taking a more relaxed roll this year as just a player. Maybe some bad coaching decisions last year won't be repeated this season and we will beat our personal best of one win.

Ronnie "The Natural" "Bubby Ramirez" "I Was Too Drunk To Remember Calling Myself These Nicknames" Maiman is spending his freetime coaching boy's JV this season, but if last June taught us anything, it's that he won't be able to show them how to hit a fastball. Good luck, JV.

Jesse Vella kept his calves in shape this winter training for a bid at the 2011 Iditarod.

Deyate Hagood won the school fantasy football league in the offseason and, on more than one occasion, beat off in the shower.

Jamel "Moosecock" Thomas is rumored to have picked up his new nickname in the offseason due to a cultural delicacy he found a craving for while touring the tundra of Canada.

Danny the Foreman - last name optional, big left handed swing mandatory.

Mike Goldberg - Yeah, we wish.

Avi Ribenbach is a certified gym teacher, which tells us that he definitely knows his sports and probably knows his alphabet, too.

Neil Griffenberg - not only a gym teacher, but an assistant principal! Besides Avi's skill set, this means he can probably kiss a good ass too. (Don't get me fired, Griff!)

Mike Zang - this newcomer is a welcome addition to the team, as he showed off his stuff last spring on the school field. Also between him and Griffenberg, we hope to have access to the school field for practice time!

Rueben This Guy

Russel That Guy

Scott the Other Guy

*****

Are these friends real? Let's hope so, as they bring our roster from 11 t0 16. Which sounds like a lot of bench time now, but I think we all remember what happened last year...to that end, we've also gotten old timers Chris "Ropke Fucked my Wife" Caponi and Eric "I Also Fucked Caponi's Wife" Berg to sign on as alternates, who may be able to show up in a pinch.


So there you have it. Eight returning from last year, and three to eight new guys, plus a few alternates. Goals #1 and 2 for this season - more than one win, no forfeits.

To aid this...please make sure to submit your name and however it's easiest to reach you (phone number, email, aim, bat signal) either with Cohen or as a comment here.

DROWNED SHARKS SWIM AGAIN

It had been a long winter, but he had weathered the many storms and survived this long. As the frost subsided from the grass below, and his breath began to fade in front of him, he knew that his journey was far from over, and he could not make it alone. From the peaks of the highest mountains, he called forth his allies through ancient magicks. One by one, they rose from their slumber, eight champions in total, prepared to fight for their honor and their freedom. They must band together and travel the land searching for more allies to aid them in their quest. And let no time be wasted! - for there were the sounds of battle in the distance, and the smell of blood in the air. Their season of reckoning had come - softball season.