Some Things I've Been Thinking About

This is to settle a debate I was having with Cohen.

If you sleep with a girl who you believe to be underage, but she is dead, what crimes are you charged with?

I think it's attempted statutory rape, but the attempt failed because she's dead, so she's not a person. What is the difference between attempted statutory rape and committed statutory rape, as far as the legal system is concerned? Not sure. Ask Santangelo. He once mentioned a "friend" who was involved in such a matter.

As for the dead body, there is no federal law specifically barring sex with a corpse, however many states have their own laws. New York? We're good to go. And that could be the difference between having sex with just the dead teenager or having sex with her and Bubba.

So in conclusion, if she's not a person, then you didn't have sex with her. So no, Cohen, you didn't lose your virginity till you were 32. I told you, man.

Week 2 Rain Out: Fields Wetter Than Caponi's Wife Last Night

Softball fans were let down today, with all games in the Kings County League being rained out. As of 2:30am the grounds were still dry, but within the next four hours the skies opened and a torrential downpour unseen since the aftermath of Ropke's enema put a damper on everyone's weekend, if you'll excuse the pun.

It remains to be seen whether the games are automatically split 1-1 or whether they will just be written off as a wash, pardon the pun again.

BAY SHARKS 2 - 0

That is not a typo people. That's two wins, zero losses. Defying Vegas odds worse than my losing my virginity without paying for it, the Bay Sharks showed some heart and pulled out two victories today, surpassing last year's season high of one win.

Sharks faithful will remember feeling this way early last spring as well, when Mike Ropke pitched a gem shut out in the Sharks' first game of the season for a close 1-0 victory, and the Sharks rarely even saw a lead in any game after that. But today, instead of having our hopes lifted and then crushed - like the time in 1980 when Vella saw Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, but it ended up being his next door neighbor sneaking in to give his mom some Christmas cheer - we were victorious twice.

GAME ONE: The Sharks smelled blood when they saw their opponents brought only 9 players to the 10 player field. They made them pay with Jesse Vella's inside the park home run to deep uncovered right field. The final score was 9-6.

GAME TWO: Tensions ran high when the Sharks fell into a hole in game two. Bad memories from last year began creeping back. The let down. The heartbreak. The time we got bad directions and were gangraped. Tears were shed. Danny jizzed his pants. I don't know what's up with that. But just when times look darkest, with two outs in the final inning, Avi put his bat where his mouth is (not a metaphor!) and knocked in two RBIs for the win! The tying run scored as Mike Zang slid under the tag at second base, allowing the winning run to score. Sharks win 6-5.

So things are lookin up, fellas. In closing, to paraphrase the immortal words of Cleveland Indians fictional coach Lou Brown, we've won two games in a row. If we win one more, it's called a winning streak. It HAS happened before.

It can happen for us. We believe!