Things Your Fiancée Should Never Say

It's fucking freezing in the bedroom.  So I go to bed last night, and my wonderful fiancée starts rubbing my happy parts.  At least one of us is in the mood.  I just want to sleep cause I have to shovel in the morning.  Anyway, her wandering hands get down to business, and then I hear it: "Baby, where's your penis?"

Ok.  Like I said, it's cold in there!  I told her to look harder, it was there.

"Oh!  There it is...I didn't know it could get that small!"

Thanks babe.

Then, in this week's installment of "Things Your Brother Should Never Say," I texted the conversation to my sister, who insisted that I have micropenis - which is real!  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micropenis

2010 FFL power rankings

Abstract: our standings are too luck based.  A good standings system would ignore the points scored by opponents, which suggests points scored as the indicator, but should also track how well a team was managed each week, rather than looking only at points scored in total.  Essentially, points scored should be analyzed each week, then converted to win probability to account for the possibility that each team could have played any other team during any given week, and achieved a radically different final record.

I'm posting this cause I'm a goddamn math teacher with too much free time.

I think it's fair to say that we've all felt screwed by the FFL system at some point or another - whether it's that week you have the second best points total in the league but you played the top scorer, or you're just one of the poor saps who lost to Herman.  Needless to say, the wins/losses standings system leaves a lot to be desired, as it is very susceptible to luck playing a huge factor.  Take our end of year standings (bold made the playoffs):

Ronnie Vella Fanti Hagood George Joe Niki Tommy Santangelo Caponi Bourandas Cohen Ropke Herman

Personally, when I see those I just can't accept that they're right.  Sure, we know they're going to be pretty good, I mean the same people pretty much always do well every year, so we can't blame it all on luck.  But consider Bourandas, who scored more points this year than half the playoff teams, but got raped in the games he lost.  He was a decent manager, but got shitty matchups.  Completely out of his control.  To hammer this point home, my team could have finished 12-1 had I had proper matchups, and that'd just be fucking wrong.

Looking at total points scored should clear things up a bit.

Ronnie Vella Joe Fanti Bourandas Niki Tommy Hagood George Ropke Santangelo Caponi Cohen Herman

Look for who dropped in the standings now, they got really lucky some weeks and benefited from low scoring opponents while they were not doing that well either.  There isn't too much movement, but a few people move quite a bit, and there's definitely a different playoff picture.

Still, this doesn't say it all.  As alluded to above, it's possible that a team could have the second highest point totals every week, yet play the top scoring team every time, and end up 0-13 despite having a great team and just shitty luck.  Also, a high scoring team could feasibly score 250 points for a few weeks and then be completely mismanaged and fall apart:  high point totals does not necessarily indicate a good manager.  Luck is still heavily involved and, more importantly, the season shouldn't be looked at considering just these single, total numbers.  Every week presented each manager an opportunity to set their optimal lineup, so it would be wise to consider point totals by week, so we can see better how those points were distributed.

So what I set out to do was to basically consider win probability for a given week.  I ranked each team by the points scored each week, assigning the highest scoring team 1 point and the lowest scoring team 14 points.  In this way, the lower your points over the course of a season, the more likely you were to win over all.  This would account for sad scenarios like the made up one about a team scoring the second best points every week but still losing: that team would still be ranked very highly under this system.

Which brings me to the power rankings.  Check out the results:

Vella (66) Ronnie (69) Joe (71) Fanti (73) Niki (84) Bourandas (85) Hagood (95) Tommy (96) George (106) Ropke (109) Santangelo (109) Caponi (120) Cohen (135) Herman (147)

I think this paints a vivid picture of how the league really looks.  For all the shit we gave Ronnie behind his back for being overrated, every week he put himself in a good position to win.  But not as good as Vella.

Also we see real stratification here: a block of four pretty dominant teams, two decent ones, two more a little weaker...and then we see everyone who wouldn't make the playoffs with over 100 points.

This makes intuitive sense, too.  A completely average team (a team in the middle of the pack every single week) would have 97.5 points at the end...everyone better than average made the playoffs in this system, everyone worse, didn't.  You can't say that for the other rankings.

He's Right Behind You!

Last week was so much fun to play, I almost didn't make a single thing up while writing this.


The Bay Sharks finally put an end to their losing streak by splitting with Majestic Doug.  And majestic they were.  Never have you seen, nor may you ever again, a ball club so good made up of so many over the hill asians.  Starting shortstop Hideki Miyagi was four feet of pure unadulterated sexagenarian talent, making solid fielding plays and knocking in two home runs to opposite sides of the field off of different pitchers. After the game he was gracious in saying "see you in the playoffs, gay boys!"

Meanwhile, in the other dugout, our own asian sensation Jesse Vella suffered from a twisted ankle halfway through the game, and was able to bring no honor to his family.

But thankfully, Samurai Scott Slater remembered to take his hormones, as he was the Teddy Roosevelt Big Stick Player of the Game, hitting three consecutive home runs and almost stopping dead in his tracks on his way to third in a fit of total confusion and disorientation.  "It was new for me - I had never reached third base before.  Not in softball, certainly not with my wife.  And then when I realized I was gonna go all the way ... I was almost afraid it wouldn't live up to my expectations.  I definitely considered just going back to second and waiting for my erection to go away like usual."

Sadly, his efforts were to no avail as the Sharks imploded in extra innings in the first game to lose 12 - 7, but came fighting back in the second half to win 9 - 7 in their last at bat.  Both teams had to overcome ridiculously bad umpiring, both in strike zone, keeping track of the count on the batter, incorrectly located pitcher's mound, botched tags, etc.  Perhaps the most flagrant offense was that for two innings, Majestic Doug played Air Bud in left center field.

And now in my continuing thoughts of what is wrong with this team, here is an excerpt of conversation from pre-game warmups.

Maiman: Man, I'm old.
Ropke: Yeah, what's that like?
Maiman: What, being straight?

This brings attention to two major problems on this team.  We are too old and too straight.  Why can't we have more young pool boy studs wearing speedos in the dugout?  We've got guys - grown men, mind you - who are actually married.  To women.  And yet here we are, trying to win softball games.  It doesn't add up.  Everyone needs to get a little more in touch with their feminine side.  Like Danny, did anyone hear his ringtone the other day?  Just call him when you see him at work, it's like a 14 year old girl's phone ringing.  Or Ropke, did anyone see the shirt he wore on Thursday?  We all know Vella did.

I'm just saying.

Why Winning Isn't Everything, But What We Should Do In Order To Maybe Do It Anyway

The following is an extension of my previous rant.

Kids, let me tell you a story.

A few years back, I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life.  The basic decision came down to this: did I want to work for love or for money?  If I had wanted to make a lot of cash, I could have followed in my father's well established footsteps and done gay porn: trust me, I have a gift.  But I chose to be an educator (I'm laughing as I read this statement juxtaposed with the rest of this blog) because I enjoy it.  I do it cause it's fun.

Now, most of the team is made up of educators as well, so I'm going to appeal to your common understanding of where I'm coming from for this metaphor to work.  I'm sure most of us were faced with a similar decision at some point or another.  We all probably have an occupational skill set we could use to provide us with a more comfortable life (except the gym teachers, I mean, come on), but we choose this because we love it.  Saying that we work in this school of all places for the money would make absolutely no sense.  Yes, the fact that it pays the bills is nice.  But when you get to the heart of it, we actually do it because we like it.

In a similar fashion, saying that we are playing D Division Slowpitch Softball for any reason other than "to have fun" is ludicrous.  Yes, of course we all want to win games, because winning games is more fun.  But at the core of it, we need to be on that field because we enjoy playing the game and we enjoy the people around us (except Steve, I thought we agreed to stop calling him for games, guys what's up with that?)  The second it stops being fun, we ought to just stop showing up entirely.  What constitutes fun?  The obvious answer (besides winning) is playing time. Still, I think we need to acknowledge that, at present, we've had more than enough guys showing up for games, so as a result people are going to have to sit.  I think it's smart to keep a rotating stock of sitters, have no one sit more than one game a week, give everyone their time on the field, etc. Not rocket surgery here.  I would like to think everyone is on board with this.

Now that we're playing the game and having fun, what can we do to win?  Just some opinions here:

First of all, everyone except for Zang needs to hit better - honestly he's come through in just about every big spot I can think of.  Yeah everyone's been getting a few hits, and I think Vella and Avi have been doing good enough to be worth mentioning as well, but as a whole I don't think our bats are doing what they should.

The field looks ok to me.  There are a few errors, but that will happen.  The only major switch that I feel should be made in the field is moving Avi to infield and Vella to outfield (I have not yet asked either of these fine gentlemen their opinions on the matter).  The way I see it, they're both doing good jobs where they are, but their strengths could be more emphasized if switched.

For example, I have two main criticisms of Vella at short stop.  First, just because it's called "short stop" doesn't mean you have to be vertically challenged.  Having a bigger cut off target wouldn't hurt.  But speaking of cut offs, one thing he could improve upon - and I have spoken to Vella about this - is calling plays better to the outfielders.  Speaking only for myself here, I know that there are times when the ball is hit to me and I have that split second hesitation as I am about to throw, because I am just not certain as to what the best tactical throw would be to make.  I rely on the shortstop to call the base.  Now who do I know on the team who has a loud voice and would always want his opinion to be heard?  Hmm...maybe Avi wants to play short?  I think his personality would be a commanding positive presence in the infield.

And moving Vella out would be a safe move as well.  While Avi does possess excellent hand eye coordination and has the skills to make flashy catches, I honestly just think Vella would have run to the ball faster and caught it normally.  I believe that the force generated by his powerful calves would allow him to cover significant ground out there, enabling the outfield to spread out a little bit or even experiment in different formations.

In summary, let's remember that we decided to do this because we like each other, so let's kick Steve off the team and have some fun.  Cause if we aren't gonna do this to have fun, we might as well be doing gay porn.

Where To Begin?

Hmm, how about here?  YOU ALL BLOW.

I don't see any Mike Goldbergs on this team.  No one should have a big head about their ability.  We're all past our prime (actually if I am being honest, technically I am probably still at my peak - too bad my peak isn't that high to begin with).  Some of us may still have athletic ability worth showcasing on another stage, some among us may have even at one time had a great skillset involving a sport with a bat and a ball, but these times have come and gone and do not exist on Sunday mornings.

We're playing fucking D division slow pitch softball.   No one should be bragging about anything.  You think you're hot shit?  You're worth talking about?  Good for you, kid.

You gotta be kidding me.

So as my first statement, I want everyone to remember what this is and to seriously leave the ego at home.  This team doesn't need you to carry it, and if carrying it is the crowning achievement of your athletic life and means so much to you...I don't know, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you better.

My Phone Ain't Afraid of Water

Recap: Played a C division team, Sharks are 6 - 4.

Gentlemen: this week was too embarrassing on a number of levels to possibly make a lot of jokes about it. We had a brawl in our own dugout, nearly two, and a lot of words were spoken without consideration.  This is Sunday morning softball guys. Can we please check our egos at home and stop trying to measure whose dick is the biggest?  Let's make our only embarrassments in the future be on the field, not off it.

Still, today's screaming was only an amplification of the whispers that have been going around: some people aren't thrilled with the managerial decisions.  Well, it's one thing to be displeased, and I think we should all voice our concerns, but we should do so in a respectful manner and issues should be resolved before arriving at the field.  As seen today, it does us no good to allow bottled feelings to erupt at the absolute worst time.

Later this week, I'll be offering my opinions on what's going well and what I think should be changed in our lineup.  I'm gonna make my case here because (1) I want to explain myself without interruption and (2) I want my thoughts to be public and recorded.  And if, in the end, I do turn out to look like a fool, don't be mistaken: I will certainly hastily edit or delete the entire post altogether.

Sharks Forget to Tie Shoelaces, Give Up Bid for Perfection

Blaming a lack of personnel for what some are calling "a return to normalcy," the Sharks' undefeated season came to a screeching halt this weekend with two uninspiring losses to the Haters.  To name a few of the excuses the team dealt with: outfielder Mike Ropke was called in to work by his escort service in an emergency regarding a visiting diplomat, ground ball fuck up and pop up authority Ronnie Maiman was not able to post bail on his attempted rape charge from Thursday (and is still awaiting trial), and pitcher/infielder Mike Zang was struck Saturday night with a case of FIV - I'll save you from looking it up guys, motherfucker's got cat AIDS.

There will be no listed highlights this week, as I don't believe there were any worth mentioning.  Game one saw a 15-7 loss, diminishing the Sharks' swagger while boosting the surging Haters, still a sub-500 team.  Game two entered the record books as another slowpitch softball shut out, with the Sharks falling 7-0.

"I haven't seen hitting that bad since Bubby Ramirez tried to stand in there against Goldberg," team incontinence specialist Neil Griffenberg commented at a post game press conference.

In a bizarre turn of events, team physical therapist Chris "The Punisher" Caponi fucked Ropke's girlfriend.  According to reports from friends huddled in the closet, he supermanned that ho like it was 2007.