He's Right Behind You!

Last week was so much fun to play, I almost didn't make a single thing up while writing this.


The Bay Sharks finally put an end to their losing streak by splitting with Majestic Doug.  And majestic they were.  Never have you seen, nor may you ever again, a ball club so good made up of so many over the hill asians.  Starting shortstop Hideki Miyagi was four feet of pure unadulterated sexagenarian talent, making solid fielding plays and knocking in two home runs to opposite sides of the field off of different pitchers. After the game he was gracious in saying "see you in the playoffs, gay boys!"

Meanwhile, in the other dugout, our own asian sensation Jesse Vella suffered from a twisted ankle halfway through the game, and was able to bring no honor to his family.

But thankfully, Samurai Scott Slater remembered to take his hormones, as he was the Teddy Roosevelt Big Stick Player of the Game, hitting three consecutive home runs and almost stopping dead in his tracks on his way to third in a fit of total confusion and disorientation.  "It was new for me - I had never reached third base before.  Not in softball, certainly not with my wife.  And then when I realized I was gonna go all the way ... I was almost afraid it wouldn't live up to my expectations.  I definitely considered just going back to second and waiting for my erection to go away like usual."

Sadly, his efforts were to no avail as the Sharks imploded in extra innings in the first game to lose 12 - 7, but came fighting back in the second half to win 9 - 7 in their last at bat.  Both teams had to overcome ridiculously bad umpiring, both in strike zone, keeping track of the count on the batter, incorrectly located pitcher's mound, botched tags, etc.  Perhaps the most flagrant offense was that for two innings, Majestic Doug played Air Bud in left center field.

And now in my continuing thoughts of what is wrong with this team, here is an excerpt of conversation from pre-game warmups.

Maiman: Man, I'm old.
Ropke: Yeah, what's that like?
Maiman: What, being straight?

This brings attention to two major problems on this team.  We are too old and too straight.  Why can't we have more young pool boy studs wearing speedos in the dugout?  We've got guys - grown men, mind you - who are actually married.  To women.  And yet here we are, trying to win softball games.  It doesn't add up.  Everyone needs to get a little more in touch with their feminine side.  Like Danny, did anyone hear his ringtone the other day?  Just call him when you see him at work, it's like a 14 year old girl's phone ringing.  Or Ropke, did anyone see the shirt he wore on Thursday?  We all know Vella did.

I'm just saying.