Why Winning Isn't Everything, But What We Should Do In Order To Maybe Do It Anyway

The following is an extension of my previous rant.

Kids, let me tell you a story.

A few years back, I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life.  The basic decision came down to this: did I want to work for love or for money?  If I had wanted to make a lot of cash, I could have followed in my father's well established footsteps and done gay porn: trust me, I have a gift.  But I chose to be an educator (I'm laughing as I read this statement juxtaposed with the rest of this blog) because I enjoy it.  I do it cause it's fun.

Now, most of the team is made up of educators as well, so I'm going to appeal to your common understanding of where I'm coming from for this metaphor to work.  I'm sure most of us were faced with a similar decision at some point or another.  We all probably have an occupational skill set we could use to provide us with a more comfortable life (except the gym teachers, I mean, come on), but we choose this because we love it.  Saying that we work in this school of all places for the money would make absolutely no sense.  Yes, the fact that it pays the bills is nice.  But when you get to the heart of it, we actually do it because we like it.

In a similar fashion, saying that we are playing D Division Slowpitch Softball for any reason other than "to have fun" is ludicrous.  Yes, of course we all want to win games, because winning games is more fun.  But at the core of it, we need to be on that field because we enjoy playing the game and we enjoy the people around us (except Steve, I thought we agreed to stop calling him for games, guys what's up with that?)  The second it stops being fun, we ought to just stop showing up entirely.  What constitutes fun?  The obvious answer (besides winning) is playing time. Still, I think we need to acknowledge that, at present, we've had more than enough guys showing up for games, so as a result people are going to have to sit.  I think it's smart to keep a rotating stock of sitters, have no one sit more than one game a week, give everyone their time on the field, etc. Not rocket surgery here.  I would like to think everyone is on board with this.

Now that we're playing the game and having fun, what can we do to win?  Just some opinions here:

First of all, everyone except for Zang needs to hit better - honestly he's come through in just about every big spot I can think of.  Yeah everyone's been getting a few hits, and I think Vella and Avi have been doing good enough to be worth mentioning as well, but as a whole I don't think our bats are doing what they should.

The field looks ok to me.  There are a few errors, but that will happen.  The only major switch that I feel should be made in the field is moving Avi to infield and Vella to outfield (I have not yet asked either of these fine gentlemen their opinions on the matter).  The way I see it, they're both doing good jobs where they are, but their strengths could be more emphasized if switched.

For example, I have two main criticisms of Vella at short stop.  First, just because it's called "short stop" doesn't mean you have to be vertically challenged.  Having a bigger cut off target wouldn't hurt.  But speaking of cut offs, one thing he could improve upon - and I have spoken to Vella about this - is calling plays better to the outfielders.  Speaking only for myself here, I know that there are times when the ball is hit to me and I have that split second hesitation as I am about to throw, because I am just not certain as to what the best tactical throw would be to make.  I rely on the shortstop to call the base.  Now who do I know on the team who has a loud voice and would always want his opinion to be heard?  Hmm...maybe Avi wants to play short?  I think his personality would be a commanding positive presence in the infield.

And moving Vella out would be a safe move as well.  While Avi does possess excellent hand eye coordination and has the skills to make flashy catches, I honestly just think Vella would have run to the ball faster and caught it normally.  I believe that the force generated by his powerful calves would allow him to cover significant ground out there, enabling the outfield to spread out a little bit or even experiment in different formations.

In summary, let's remember that we decided to do this because we like each other, so let's kick Steve off the team and have some fun.  Cause if we aren't gonna do this to have fun, we might as well be doing gay porn.

Where To Begin?

Hmm, how about here?  YOU ALL BLOW.

I don't see any Mike Goldbergs on this team.  No one should have a big head about their ability.  We're all past our prime (actually if I am being honest, technically I am probably still at my peak - too bad my peak isn't that high to begin with).  Some of us may still have athletic ability worth showcasing on another stage, some among us may have even at one time had a great skillset involving a sport with a bat and a ball, but these times have come and gone and do not exist on Sunday mornings.

We're playing fucking D division slow pitch softball.   No one should be bragging about anything.  You think you're hot shit?  You're worth talking about?  Good for you, kid.

You gotta be kidding me.

So as my first statement, I want everyone to remember what this is and to seriously leave the ego at home.  This team doesn't need you to carry it, and if carrying it is the crowning achievement of your athletic life and means so much to you...I don't know, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you better.

My Phone Ain't Afraid of Water

Recap: Played a C division team, Sharks are 6 - 4.

Gentlemen: this week was too embarrassing on a number of levels to possibly make a lot of jokes about it. We had a brawl in our own dugout, nearly two, and a lot of words were spoken without consideration.  This is Sunday morning softball guys. Can we please check our egos at home and stop trying to measure whose dick is the biggest?  Let's make our only embarrassments in the future be on the field, not off it.

Still, today's screaming was only an amplification of the whispers that have been going around: some people aren't thrilled with the managerial decisions.  Well, it's one thing to be displeased, and I think we should all voice our concerns, but we should do so in a respectful manner and issues should be resolved before arriving at the field.  As seen today, it does us no good to allow bottled feelings to erupt at the absolute worst time.

Later this week, I'll be offering my opinions on what's going well and what I think should be changed in our lineup.  I'm gonna make my case here because (1) I want to explain myself without interruption and (2) I want my thoughts to be public and recorded.  And if, in the end, I do turn out to look like a fool, don't be mistaken: I will certainly hastily edit or delete the entire post altogether.

Sharks Forget to Tie Shoelaces, Give Up Bid for Perfection

Blaming a lack of personnel for what some are calling "a return to normalcy," the Sharks' undefeated season came to a screeching halt this weekend with two uninspiring losses to the Haters.  To name a few of the excuses the team dealt with: outfielder Mike Ropke was called in to work by his escort service in an emergency regarding a visiting diplomat, ground ball fuck up and pop up authority Ronnie Maiman was not able to post bail on his attempted rape charge from Thursday (and is still awaiting trial), and pitcher/infielder Mike Zang was struck Saturday night with a case of FIV - I'll save you from looking it up guys, motherfucker's got cat AIDS.

There will be no listed highlights this week, as I don't believe there were any worth mentioning.  Game one saw a 15-7 loss, diminishing the Sharks' swagger while boosting the surging Haters, still a sub-500 team.  Game two entered the record books as another slowpitch softball shut out, with the Sharks falling 7-0.

"I haven't seen hitting that bad since Bubby Ramirez tried to stand in there against Goldberg," team incontinence specialist Neil Griffenberg commented at a post game press conference.

In a bizarre turn of events, team physical therapist Chris "The Punisher" Caponi fucked Ropke's girlfriend.  According to reports from friends huddled in the closet, he supermanned that ho like it was 2007.

But Seriously...

Right now we have a D-Division second best 9.5 runs scored per game.  For comparison, the Reservoir Dogs, whom we beat our first week, edge us out with 10 runs per game, while Tropic Thunder is in third with 8.6 runs per game.

We have admitted a division low 5.6 runs allowed per game.  The Canarsie Sharks, whom we beat our second week, have second place with 6.3 runs per game.

We are doing a lot of things right, but somewhere along the line we might catch some bad breaks and stumble a bit.  Let's see if we can turn these close games into more comfortable blowouts.  It probably won't be long before they try to put us up against a C team, and that might not be pretty...

Winds of Fate Blow Good Fortune to Sailing Sharks

It was a cold Mother's Day morning, the wind whipping sand storms across the dirt field.  When the dust settled, the bottom line was that the Sharks still remained undefeated atop the D - Division standings at 6-0, however critics are barking that they showed vulnerability against a team without a single victory.

Game One: 9-8 win

Taking early advantage of the wind wreaking havoc on the outfielders, Jesse Vella managed to turn another completely misplayed fly out into a home run to lead off the game.  While the wind was blowing on the field, it seemed that Blue Label manager Abdul Jaleel Ahmed was busy blowing the umpire before the game, resulting in calling Mike Zang's would-be grandslam into a foul ball later in the game.  Bushleague.  Still, the Sharks continued to surge and held a lead heading late into the game.

Then, on a day when it seemed fly balls would be the biggest problem either team had to face, the team discovered its true kryptonite: ground balls.  Error compounded upon error until the lead had been turned into a two run deficit.  In a splendid display of heroics, Neil Griffinberg came through with two outs in the bottom of the 7th to knock a two run rbi to win the game, crushing the risen spirits of the Blue Labels and driving their left fielder to tears.

"It's rough when you think you're gonna pull it out and then in the end you don't," Jamel Thomas offered his empathy.  "I had a kid like that once. At least once."

Manager Mike Cohen added, "We were there last year, so I know how they must feel.  Losing every week, whether by forfeit, mercy rule, or otherwise, it takes its toll on you.  There were nights I was so depressed I was actually happy to have my wife next to me in bed, I was so lonely.  I even had sex with her a time or two, forget about it."

Game Two: 6-4 win

The painfully close match up continued into game two.  In what must be a Guinness record, Ronnie Maiman managed to record the final out in every inning of the game, popping up to the pitcher in every at bat that anyone remembers.  Way to go, clean up.

Game two exposed both Avi Ribenbach's genitals in a bizarre turn of events at second base, and it also exposed another of the team's weaknesses: plate discipline.  Nearly everyone, including the author of this 100% factual narrative, is guilty of this, so please take it to heart.  The Blue Label pitching staff in game two was walking batters left and right, and many Sharks tried to be heroes and swing the bat, when a walk was likely.  This reporter suggests taking a lot more pitches if an opposing pitcher is having control issues.  They say that a walk's as good as a hit, but they leave out the part that a walk is better than an out.  Of course, if your name is Steve Rightfield, way to go on that solo shot to give a well received insurance run in the 6th.

As outfielder Mike Ropke said, "we need to be taking pitches like Caponi's wife takes my cock," which some inferred to mean that Ropke has 4 balls.  Ropke could not be reached for comment.

The Bay Sharks would like to thank all our mothers out there for lettin our pops throw it in there, without you this run at D-division softball immortality would be impossible.  Special thanks comes from Scott Slater, who did not own a pink bat to use during the game, but was proud to sport a pink thong to raise breast cancer awareness, and also to raise awareness that he is, in fact, gay.  Like we needed to be more aware.

Chicks Dig the Long Ball - Sharks Undefeated

video from today's game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKAJIvQRSzE


Ohhhh Betsy!  The Sharks smell blood in the water, today pulling a Donner Party and consuming their own kind, sweeping the Canarsie Sharks and, in at least one verified case, actually consuming the flesh of their opponents.

Entering today, Canarsie had been undefeated, winning each game by an average of 9 - 3, having let up only 14 runs total over 4 games.  Today they were tagged for a total of 22 runs in two games, and could barely muster any offense at all.

Game One: Win 15 - 9
Game one was a slug fest from the beginning, and saw home runs from Ronnie Maiman and Mike Ropke.  Teammates were surprised that Ropke still possessed enough speed on the base paths given his aerodynamically unfit pants, but he let reporters in on his strategy after the game.  "I knew I'd be losing some speed due to drag out there this year, so I compensated by ditching excess weight, by which I mean shaving my genitals early this morning.  It was a forest down there.  I mean, I literally needed a permit and contacted some zoos to take in the displaced wild life."

An inning later, Maiman added to the attack, but while his teammates cheered with joy, his reaction betrayed mixed emotions on his part.  After the game, Maiman admitted through tears that he only wished that Avi Ribenbach had been there to see him at his best, and that he only wants "to make Avi like me."

But the fireworks of the long ball were not the only ones seen, as verbal ones were lit off as well.  Jesse Vella almost duffed home plate umpire Jack Goff for talking during a pitch.  "A 3-2 count, and he's talking to guys behind the fence as the ball's in the air about getting his nails done after the game.  BUSH LEAGUE!"  A fired up Vella complained in between games, adding, "I mean, I was standing right there!  He had to have seen my hands, my nails are all fucked up.  I'm just saying, an invitation would have been courteous."  Vella calmed down after applying more moisturizer to his face and hands.

Problems with the officiating did not stop there, however, as it became evident that both umpires, like George Bush, hate black people.  The bogus calls given to "The Bay Brothas" Hagood and Thomas were called into question by team captain Mike Cohen after the game.  "That kind of racist officiating has no place in a softball game.  You want to keep them out of your town, your house, fine.  No complaints there.  Me?  I wouldn't have even let them into the league.  I don't trust them.  But they're here and goddamnit, discriminating against them affects other people on the team too - hard working, white people.  And I won't stand for that.  I will be writing a strongly worded letter."



Game Two: Win 9 - 1
While the day was opened with an offensive barrage from both teams, game two started as a quiet, fast paced pitchers' duel.  Both threw no hitters into the third inning, but Bay Sharks veteran Danny Foreman arose the victor, relying on solid defense behind him as Canarsie imploded.

Fellow school custodian Mike Zang praised Foreman's performance Sunday.  "Danny had good control today.  He knew when to go fast, when to go slow.  When he got excited, he didn't blow it.  Kept a gentle touch on the balls, and a firm grip on the stick when it was his turn to be swingin it.  Also I like it when he bites my nipples."  When later asked about the softball game, he admitted that "Danny pitched alright."

Eventually the Canarsie pitcher began losing stamina and control, and as his team began making costly errors behind him, they began to fight amongst themselves.  Defeat was imminent.




In summary, the Bay Sharks have now won 4 times as many games as we did in all of 2009, and have probably scored more runs than we did all of last year as well.  As Maiman would say, now we're starting to gel, boys!