Chicks Dig the Long Ball - Sharks Undefeated

video from today's game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKAJIvQRSzE


Ohhhh Betsy!  The Sharks smell blood in the water, today pulling a Donner Party and consuming their own kind, sweeping the Canarsie Sharks and, in at least one verified case, actually consuming the flesh of their opponents.

Entering today, Canarsie had been undefeated, winning each game by an average of 9 - 3, having let up only 14 runs total over 4 games.  Today they were tagged for a total of 22 runs in two games, and could barely muster any offense at all.

Game One: Win 15 - 9
Game one was a slug fest from the beginning, and saw home runs from Ronnie Maiman and Mike Ropke.  Teammates were surprised that Ropke still possessed enough speed on the base paths given his aerodynamically unfit pants, but he let reporters in on his strategy after the game.  "I knew I'd be losing some speed due to drag out there this year, so I compensated by ditching excess weight, by which I mean shaving my genitals early this morning.  It was a forest down there.  I mean, I literally needed a permit and contacted some zoos to take in the displaced wild life."

An inning later, Maiman added to the attack, but while his teammates cheered with joy, his reaction betrayed mixed emotions on his part.  After the game, Maiman admitted through tears that he only wished that Avi Ribenbach had been there to see him at his best, and that he only wants "to make Avi like me."

But the fireworks of the long ball were not the only ones seen, as verbal ones were lit off as well.  Jesse Vella almost duffed home plate umpire Jack Goff for talking during a pitch.  "A 3-2 count, and he's talking to guys behind the fence as the ball's in the air about getting his nails done after the game.  BUSH LEAGUE!"  A fired up Vella complained in between games, adding, "I mean, I was standing right there!  He had to have seen my hands, my nails are all fucked up.  I'm just saying, an invitation would have been courteous."  Vella calmed down after applying more moisturizer to his face and hands.

Problems with the officiating did not stop there, however, as it became evident that both umpires, like George Bush, hate black people.  The bogus calls given to "The Bay Brothas" Hagood and Thomas were called into question by team captain Mike Cohen after the game.  "That kind of racist officiating has no place in a softball game.  You want to keep them out of your town, your house, fine.  No complaints there.  Me?  I wouldn't have even let them into the league.  I don't trust them.  But they're here and goddamnit, discriminating against them affects other people on the team too - hard working, white people.  And I won't stand for that.  I will be writing a strongly worded letter."



Game Two: Win 9 - 1
While the day was opened with an offensive barrage from both teams, game two started as a quiet, fast paced pitchers' duel.  Both threw no hitters into the third inning, but Bay Sharks veteran Danny Foreman arose the victor, relying on solid defense behind him as Canarsie imploded.

Fellow school custodian Mike Zang praised Foreman's performance Sunday.  "Danny had good control today.  He knew when to go fast, when to go slow.  When he got excited, he didn't blow it.  Kept a gentle touch on the balls, and a firm grip on the stick when it was his turn to be swingin it.  Also I like it when he bites my nipples."  When later asked about the softball game, he admitted that "Danny pitched alright."

Eventually the Canarsie pitcher began losing stamina and control, and as his team began making costly errors behind him, they began to fight amongst themselves.  Defeat was imminent.




In summary, the Bay Sharks have now won 4 times as many games as we did in all of 2009, and have probably scored more runs than we did all of last year as well.  As Maiman would say, now we're starting to gel, boys!